Monday, March 7, 2011

It's An Emotion That Has No Name

   Prayer, seeking, reading (scripture), listening, quiet, be still.  All these things are good and necessary for the searching of heart and soul.  When emotions surface from the deep depths of ourselves we have choices. 
1. we can ignore them 
 2. we can take them to the One who created us with a purpose and ask Him about them. 
     I must confess that my go to choice is 1. ignore, deny, shove it down.  I am learning more and more (slowly and like a stubborn child) to choose the second. 
   To come before my Beloved, the One who allowed those things to surface in the first place, because He wants to continue the work He started when I was first born into His Spirit.  Alive in Him, no longer dead in sin.  Because He loves me and wants to make me whole.
   To some the answers come easy, asking the Lord to reveal to them the cause, or getting right to the root.  For me it hasn't always been that way.  I can feel like I'm groping around in the darkness, waiting for my finger tips to grab hold of some truth or some reason.  If I don't make myself fold my hands and just pray, stop grabbing little things turning them over and over in the dark trying to make sense of what they are, I could easily give up, despair.  It's much better for me to sit quietly in the dark and wait for Him to turn the light on. 
    Sometimes He has already, and for some reason I still sit with my eyes closed.  What am I afraid to see?  Am I afraid?  Am I sad?  It's an emotion that has no name, it feels like grief, like the death of something.  Is the death of something in me?  Or the realization that something has died either long ago or more recent? 
    While praying and reading I've been focusing on Life.  Simply because the feeling that came to me was about death.  When I think of things dying I am instantly transported to my Dad's death.  His dying was the deepest hurt I ever felt in my life.  It was a brokenness I can't describe, a shattering of my heart.
At the same time I also experienced God in away I never had before and I know Him better because of it.  He carried me through that time,  whispering His love in my heart, giving me strength when I had none.
     In years later I learned that it was a multi-faceted hurt that stretched it's sticky fingers into many areas of my life.  I make decision and sometimes beliefs (some lies, some not) based on that hurt. 
   It makes sense to me that what I experienced a few days ago is some part of that multi-faceted pain. 
       I am reluctant to claim that my Dad's death must be the reason for this just in case I am wrong, I don't want to miss the truth.  
   So I wait sometimes in the dark, sometimes with the Light on and my eyes closed, waiting for the Revealer, Healer, Comforter, Master, Teacher, to do His work.
  When I hear Him say "Open your eyes." I will. 
The verses that stuck out to me that night and today,

"Nevertheless I am continually with You; You do hold my right hand.  You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to honor and glory.  Whom have I in heaven but You? And I have no delight or desire on earth besides You.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever."
Psalm 74:23-26

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