Saturday, June 26, 2010


    Bevan was so excited to play the drums and  march with the band for the first time. He marched around with them during the Relay for life, but walk was to long for him to carry that big heavy drum. This time it was a small walk, so he got to play!
     We're hoping the smaller drum is in on time for Canada Day.
     Bevan loves drumming and he's really good at it. Not that I should be surprised, it's just strange when your kids start doing things you can't.
    Well they always seemed to have more energy then me, that I'm use to. You know when that moment comes, and you've always known it would, they are doing things apart from you. Something you didn't teach them, or make them do. Something of their own ambition.  When they succeed at doing something you'd have no hope at being any good at, it's....well a moment of awe.
    This growing bigger everyday person, that once was so tiny in your arms, is stepping out on there own, making their way in the world.   It's kinda cool and hard at the same time.
     It's hard because there's the realization that he won't need me forever.   I won't be the one calling the plays anymore, I'll just be a bystander. Oh I'll still be important! Cause you know Mom is always number one!
   Well until....but we're not that far yet! The cool part is getting to watch these little people become there own person.
I don't like change, but I'll adjust.

  Oh ya, here's a clip of Bevan playing his drum. And our good buddy M is in there too! It's short and a little shaky at first.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Only Love Remains

  I think this song is amazing.  It's one of those ones I wish I wrote.  I am going write out the lyrics I just want to read them!  I understand if you want to just scroll down;)

Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground

I'm interrupting for a minute.  This song is a pray, but it scares me to pray like that.  What will it feel like to be broken down?  I have on some level experienced a little brokenness.  Along with that I would also pray "Only that which comes through the Cross of Christ!"
I am not in anyway disagreeing with her.  I totally agree with her and wish I was brave enough to pray like that!  

I know I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart


Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know I'm tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

Yes please Lord.

You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
Love this line!
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
As much as I think I do, I have these moments where I really do. 
I know that I'm a shadow
But I'm dancing in Your light
Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Ode to my Dad.

  My Dad left us too soon.  It will be 16yrs this November since my Dad passed away.  It doesn't really seem like that many years.  I remember him as clearly as if he were here yesterday. 
    Of course the pain of missing him has subsided somewhat with the distance of time, but missing him never ends.  It is
more then missing him, it's what he is missing that gets me the most. 
   My Father loved children, not just his own, but he had a soft heart for all kids.  I know that he would be reveling in the mountain of grandbabies.   Once he got past his concern that we were married too young, having kids too young and not financially secure in any way.  I know that one look at that little baby boy, almost 14yrs ago, would have melted his heart into a bubbling bowl of mushy baby love.
     My Dad wasn't always the best Dad.  He was an alcoholic who quit drinking when I was 8.  He left my Mom when I was 9.  We saw him once every 2- 3mons.  Maybe it was more then that, I was young and it felt very long between visits. 
   When I was 12 he moved closer to us.  We were able to see him every other weekend.  It was during these years that I believe I got know him, to understand the man my Dad was. 
   He was the first born son after 4 girls.  Number 5 in a family of 10 kids.  Growing up in a Christian home, he was often frustrated with what he felt like was a lack of answers for his questions.  The only answer for sin he was given was hell, and actual life consequences where not discussed.  At 16yrs of age he quit school and left home.  He went clear across the other side of the country.  He broke his mother's heart.  He felt that he was breaking her heart anyway with his life choices, he didn't want to do that any more. 
   He started his new life out west in the big city.  He got a job in forestry and moved north.  Some years later at 28 he got married to my Mom.  He was already the father of 2 children that he didn't know.
   I don't know when his self-hatred began.  Perhaps it started with the belief that he broke his mother's heart.  Or the very strained relationship with his father.  I do know that the woman and son he left behind compounded that condemnation, and the little girl he later found out was his. 
  I was born when he was 32, the first born for him and my Mother.  The first time he stayed to raise his child.  2 years later my little sister was born. 
   His drinking worsened with the years, and life became more and more chaotic. 
   When I was 5yrs old my Mom took my sister and I back east to meet our family there.  My "new" aunties lathered love upon us.  Our Grandparents were so happy to finally see us for the first time, not in pictures.  They were lovely people, and I had lots of questions.  My Grandpa told us about God, I had lots of questions.  My Aunty taught me to pray, and I prayed for my Dad to quit drinking. 
   My prayers were answered, a few years later.  My Dad got sober.  
   I believe he was a tortured soul, I don't think he thought he brought good to anyone.  He needed to go find his happiness, or so he thought, and he moved out. 
   Years later he confessed to me that he was wrong to leave, that there was no happiness out there to find, it was in here all the time. (He was pointing to his chest.)
   My Dad and I would have long talks on the drives to and from his house.  When I became a Christian they started out as fights, he had moved away from all the Christians in his life.  I think God has a sense of humor, don't you?
   Eventually my Dad came around, he said to me, "Well it's been a couple years now, I guess your not just going through a faze."
   He actually became very proud of me, that I had found the Lord.  He even said that, "This proves to me that there is a God, because my daughter has the same faith as my Mother, and they never even knew each other." 
   I had met my Grandmother 2 times in my whole life, I loved her instantly.  She was sweet and kind, and had an everlasting smile. 
  In his last days I lived with him.  Although I had no idea they would be my last days with him.  He told me he was less lonely with me around. 
  He got to met Josh.  We had just started dating.  This is what my Dad said about him.  "He's like you." 
  You see I had brought other guys to meet my Daddy, none of which he thought was like me.  So this to me was his approval.
   I know that he would not want anyone to think badly of him.  And honestly I do feel a little guilty for not making him look like the perfect Dad.  I can tell you he was a great Dad in many ways, and a not so great one in others.  I gained lots of words of wisdom from him. 
   Through all the years that I had my Dad, from as far back as I can remember.  I never, not even once, ever doubted his love for me.  I knew that he loved me no matter what I did, no matter who I would become.  I also knew that if I needed him, he would get there, he would come. 
   So happy father's day Daddy, I know you're not here, and I know you can't read this.  When you were good you were great.  And everything else is forgiven and gone.  I am so thankful that you knew that anyway, and I'm glad I got to tell you, in those days you were here.  I know you would love your son-in-law, and all your Grandbabies too.   I'll just have to love them that much more and pass on the best of you.  I love you.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Stuck on a memory

   Memory Lane.  It's a trip.  Epic.  Maybe.  Painful.  Sometimes.  Lovely.  Yeah.  And left to ones imagination. 
  Did you ever share a memory with someone, who was there in that memory, and have that moment of, "Huh? That didn't happen."  Or "I totally don't remember it that way!"  I think we all do. 
  I have these strange memories from my childhood that my Mother thinks I invented.
  I have a memory of a rocking chair breaking while my Dad was rocking me.  My Ma says yes the chair broke, "But I don't think you were on it dear."
  I remember a man at my Grandmother's who tried to hypnotize me with his pocket watch.  My Mother says there was no man, but they did give me half a sleeping pill once, cause I was a "pill" and wouldn't sleep.  Perhaps I was hallucinating.
   My sister remembers that I tricked her into giving me all her money.  Which I spent.  I don't remember, my be she's hallucinating.  She also remembers that I had to promised to play with her if she would clean up all the toys.  Then once she had finished told her I changed my mind.  Ok, I do remember that one, and I felt guilty so I did play with her. 
   I wonder what my children will recall from the days of their childhood.  Will they remember the time I yelled at them for something they didn't do.  I said, "Oh...sorry." and we all laughed our heads off.  Or at least that's how I remember it. 
  Will they remember the time I thought I heard a bear in the bush.  I frantically grabbed 2 children under my arms, stepping on one, dragging the other, and yelling at the oldest to get in the house.  He was running around me in circles trying to figure out what on earth had gotten into me.   I still laugh at that one.
  I'm interested to know what stories they will tell of me and their dear old Dad.   

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Pitiful and Cute.

  The other night I was telling Josh some of the things I remember about our first few months together.  I asked him, "What do you remember?"
  He answered "Bliss." LOL!

    We were married in Sept. and by Dec. we found out we were expecting our first child.  I was super excited, Josh thought the doctor said he wasn't sure! 
   You see Josh was reading a car magazine when the doctor said congratulations you're expecting.  I'm just not sure of the due date.
  And so after being introduced to life with a clueless housewife, Dear Josh was about to be encounter life with PREGNANCY HORMONES!!
   I use to get up every morning with Josh and make his lunch.  His favorite lunch was peanut butter and jelly or honey sandwiches.  I added whatever fruit we had and granola bars.  Brewing the coffee which would fill his thermos.  With morning sickness coming on strong the smell of peanut butter and coffee sent me reeling.  I would spend most of the time on the floor with my head down, vowing I would not hurl!
   Josh started making his own lunches, and I started staying in bed!
   I'm sure there are many stories that Josh could tell.  The most dramatic, funny one I remember is one Sunday morning.
  I woke up feeling yucky and tired.  I really didn't want to go to church.  Josh said that's ok, just stay here.   He got ready and was out the door to his car before I could blink.  I was so upset that he would leave me home alone and didn't want to be left!  I was only in my T-shirt, but didn't have time to throw on my pants.  I jumped into his big orange cork boots and ran after him crying. 
   Josh looked up from his car and saw his crazy wife standing in his boots, balling her eyes out.  He said I looked so pitiful and cute, he came back in.  I got ready and we went to church:)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I Love It! What is it?

  In 1995 I married my sweet heart.  We were both 19.  I can honestly say that he knew more about domestic life than I did.  I loved the idea of being his wife, taking care of our home and our future children.  I didn't think it would be that hard.  I mean really thousands of women do it everyday and have done so since the beginning of time.  I was clearly, clueless.
  It did not take very long for Josh to realize that something was up.  His young bride had a great aversion to washing dishes.  They were much to icky, to which he responded with raised eyebrows. 
  I would wash them eventually, but he just couldn't understand why I would let the job get so big.  Why not wash them when the job is small?  Hmmm, sounds logical, but nah, I don't want to have to wash them everyday!
  Not only did his pretty young bride have funny ideas about dishes, her ideas about cooking, or lack there of, were interesting as well.
  Finally he politely asked, "Do you think we could have something other than chicken drumsticks and mashed potatoes for dinner?"
  To which I responded, "I am sorry but I don't know how to make anything else."
  After that we spent more then 2-3 times a week having dinner with his parents. 
  My MIL was gracious and sweet.  She taught me how to cook and make meals with what you have around, and I didn't even know she was teaching me.  As I watched her and spent time with her in her kitchen, I picked up little tricks.  
  Cooking is always a huge job when you have little money and even less "food sense".  Like I said before I had taken Foods Class, but that really only taught me how to read recipes.  If I did not have the ingredients or the money to buy them, I was stuck.  And Josh was stuck with drumsticks and mash potatoes!
  We helped Josh's parents wrap up a butchered Moose.  This was THE most disgusting thing I had ever seen!  I was very, very careful not to let my hands touch the raw meat! EWWW! But in an effort to not complain I grinned and wrapped.  My sweet in-laws were not fooled, probably the look on my face and my wrinkled up nose.  They laughed, and teased me, in a kind way of course.  We were broke and thankful for the meat, so I had my first introduction to cooking game. 
   Ok, I just have to say the first time I cooked moose meat it was terrible I couldn't eat it!  It was awful, yet when Josh's Mom cooked it was good.  So back to Ma to learn more tricks.  This is what she said, "A little bit of nutmeg takes out the gamey taste away."
   I invested in a bag of nutmeg!  It worked great!  Until my sweet husband politely asked,"Could you use a little less nutmeg?" Cough, cough!
   Honestly it took a couple of years to get it right.  But before to long my poor man had at least 3-4 dishes on his home menu.  Still going to Mama's house 2-3 times a week:)

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Joyfully Clueless Housewife

    My sweet sister-in-law and I were chatting the other day.  Whatever we were talking about she thought would make a great blog post.  I can't for the life of me remember what it was, just that she had given it a great title and I agreed it sounded good. 
  Maybe if I try writing what we were talking about it'll come to me. 
   You see M and I have great conversations.  She is so great at picking my brain and making it whir.  The children play and my big ones practice entertaining her little ones.  It's great fun! 
   Of the many subjects we analyze together house work was the topic at the moment.  I confessed, which was no secret to her, that when I got married I did not know how to cook or clean.  Josh had no idea what he had gotten into!  Haha!
  You may not know it or maybe you do, let me describe my first roast to you.  This much I knew, you put water with a roast in a roaster.  That it that's all I knew. (This meal thankfully and sadly was for my Dad and not my new Husband). 
   I took the roast, being careful not to actually touch it, and placed it in a black roaster.  Set the oven on to 350 I think.  I filled the roaster almost to the top with water.  I then added potatoes and carrots, unpeeled, uncut and probably unwashed.  Placing the lid on the roaster I then shoved the whole thing in the oven and drove away.  Yes drove away, because roasts take all day don't they??
   When I returned some hours later, it smelled like something had burned.  That is so strange because I was sure it should not be burned.  And while there was still lots of water left, about half full, the meat was not burned, but the carrots and potatoes were black.  Oh they weren't just black they were mushy and black. 
   My Dad looked at the whole scene in horror and then turned to me asking, "Didn't your Mother teach you to cook?"  Well no Dad she was a single working Mom, where would she have time to teach me to cook?  Besides I took foods in grade 8, they just didn't teach me how to do a roast. 
   Well my Dad laughed and laughed.  He ate those black, mushy veggies and the well boiled meat.  And I don't remember him ever asking me to make dinner again.
   The roast story was not one that we discussed that day.  That little story was just for you so you can have some idea of my domestic abilities as I tell you a little bit about my first year being a wife.
   Josh and I had already decided that I would quit my job (babysitting) and stay home once we were married.  I loved the idea of being home, being a wife, even if I really had no clue what that meant!  Boy were we both going to be surprised!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Elusive Fitted Sheet

  Folding fitted sheets has never been a task that I have mastered.  I watched my mother magically turn that bumpy, lumpy thing into a flat rectangle that fit perfectly in the linen closet.  She is so good at it that to tell the flat sheets from the fitted I have to unfold them.  Much to her irritation I'm sure, once I have done that, it's obvious!
   I gave up trying to do them like her long ago, and much like a sweet lady I know confessed, I roll them into balls and throw them in the sheet drawer. (No nice orderly linen closets here).
  Recently I received a book called, "Home Comforts".  I have been learning so much from it.  Some stuff I don't really care about like how to count thread counts. Or the proper care of china and crystal, simply because I have none.  Other things are really enlightening though, like how to properly set a dinner table.  That my whole wheat flour, that has been in the cupboard for over a year probably went bad 11 mons ago! Who knew!  (Josh insisted it tasted funny).   And of course one of the most ignored tasks, (not really I'm sure there are others), folding the fitted sheet.
   Here is an excerpt of the book:
    "To fold a fitted sheet, have the wrong side of the center of the sheet and the right side of the fitted corners facing you."  I did not understand this until I looked at the diagram, also having the sheet in front of you helps.(I'm a visual learner). "Fold the sheet in half crosswise, tucking the top fitted corners into the bottom fitted corners.  Fold in half lengthwise, so that all the fitted corners are in a stack. Now simply fold the sheet in half three more times-once along length and twice crosswise. This makes a neatly folded fitted sheet of approximately the same size as the folded flat sheet."
  If you can figure it out from all that you are awesome!! I needed not only the diagram, but to have the sheet in my hand, and to read through the instructions 2 more times.

This is the best picture I can do.  Hopefully you see the fitted sheet on the right, closest to the words.  For some reason the picture flipped, it wasn't put in that way, weird!

   So I tried this method and it works better for me then the "tuck the four corners altogether" method.  It's the flattest I've ever gotten a fitted sheet.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to need some practice though!

   Happy folding Ladies! ;)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Huhner Hutte

  Well our chicken house is done! Well live able for chickens anyway.  There are still some things we're going to perfect later.
  Josh's ideas were great and I love the chicken hut he built for me.  We moved our chickies in today and gave their new home it's official name. 
   Huhner Hutte. German for Chicken hut. There are suppose to be 2 periods over the u's in both words, but I don't know how to make them appear.