Friday, March 4, 2011

Going Through

   I have the feeling that I'm going through something.  I don't know exactly what it is.  My only clues are that my emotions are highly elevated, meaning things that wouldn't normally make me cry, make me cry.  I don't cry that easily.  I am not a very emotional person.  Don't get me wrong I have emotions, I am not numb, but I am definitely different from most of the women in my family.  For example my Mom and my Sister, Aunties and some female cousins all cry, and sometimes bawl, when we all say goodbye.  I never do.  Goodbyes are never really sad to me, I never think that I'm not going to see you again, in fact I usually think the opposite.  "I'll be back!"  So I don't get sad. 
     I am not pregnant if that's what your thinking.  I know cause that crossed my mind too, I checked, nope not pregnant.  (I even bought a test to check, negative!)  
    Not that I put all that much faith in my feels, knowing that what I'm feeling may not actually be based on truth. 
   So while in the midst of this unknown phenomenon I just keep praying that God will work it out.  The way He always does, revealing to me what I need to know, need to deal with.  I am not into digging around, that just gets more trouble than it's worth, nope, I will wait on the Lord and His good timing. 
   Meanwhile learning to allow these emotions to surface and giving them to the Lord as they come is hard to do.  My first reaction is "Come on now what is that! Get it together woman!"  Hahahaa!    Maybe all I really need to do is be allowed to have these emotions without reason, just let them be.  Kinda goes against my nature though, I like to have a reason for things.  You know, cry because something is sad or there is pain. 
I guess it isn't just nothing that makes me emotional.  It has been something I read or have seen or think about that brings it out.
For example I read some things at Ann Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience.
This is what I read, "just remain moment by moment in the Vine and there is the promise. Of yielding more in the end than an unlived life. ":  and "this is where God is. In the present. I AM.

Here is the only place I can love Him. Here is good."
Even reading it now the tears are burning my eyes.  Why?  What is it about these words that touches a place so deep in my heart that it is foreign to me.  At the moment I don't know, but I trust my God who is doing the work in my heart that in time He will reaveal it to me.  Then perhaps I will be able to share it with you.
In the mean time I really encourage you to go to Ann's blog.  She is an amazing writer, gifted actually. 


Unknown said...

Maybe it comes with age:) I smashed my hand in the the truck door yesterday,and tried real hard not to cry....the tears came and then even after the pain was gone I just sobbed (for no apparent reason) ...Ive always been a crier but it has definitely gotten to be more especially in church, I cry at almost every sermon....this to me is God working and walls coming down.

Dawn said...

I am feeling the same lately! Praying for you. Wish we could go for coffee together!

joni said...

life and its seasons..

glad you are embracing them...

i love you.