I am learning.

   I am learning to listen.  Listen to the Spirit whispering to me.  Listen to the heart of God.  Being still and waiting does not come natural to me. 
 My Father however is teaching me that what I think is my personality is in fact not..  He is teaching me that I must let it go, let Him take them off.  These parts I think are unchangeable.  To change my mind, He does that, I'm not really good at that either.  Change me to think that maybe I've been wrong all these years.  To claim a song and call it mine, and that's just the way I am.  Nope, not anymore, for if I am dead and He lives, what is mine?  Nothing.  I can cling to nothing, claim to nothing but Christ.
   Of course at any given moment of the day I forget this simple thought, that it is no long I who live but Christ who lives in me.  I think only of my goal in getting something done, or avoiding that which I know needs doing.
   For me I am learning to answer when He calls, to seek Him in each moment, in each task.  To ask for His help in things I should be able to do myself, but can't.  Or don't know how, or have just been doing wrong for so long I can't see up from in. 
  He is there, in it all, holding my hand.  Speaking peace in my heart.  Heart Peace. 
  I like what I read today from Ann Voskamp's blog "Will I ever be who I already am in Christ?"
It's a question I didn't know I was often asking.  Will I ever be who I already am in Christ?  I have faith in Christ that He will accomplish what He wants to in me.  I'm going to blow it, no doubt.  But He'll be there. And I'll repent.  I'm learning.

Mom on a Mission

    Have you ever heard about or thought about a mission statement as a Mom?  It never occurred to me to have a statement.  My mission mainly has been to SURVIVE!  Not just my own survival but hopefully theirs too! 
   Of course I had some idea of what I would like to teach my kids and how I'd like to do that.  Sometimes it works out, sometimes not.  Although I have a slight idea of what we should do, most days we fly by the seat of our pants!  I've always kind of been like that, spontaneous decisions, or combustion, depends on the day.
   I've been picking up some thoughts and mulling them over.  First of all this getting up earlier thing, which didn't work out for me so well this morning, due to a late night of giggly little girls:)  
   Now this Mom mission statement idea.
  You can read all about it here from Inspired to Action.
I printed off some of the pages.  I'll be praying about it and reading through them in the mornings.  Which by the way are going well (when we go to bed), like yesterday when I got up 20 mins earlier and had nice quiet time reading Acts 4.  I decided to read through the book of Acts.  No particular reason.  What's really cool is my 14yr is following me, setting his alarm early and getting up to read his bible.  Super sweet!
   Today we are getting the house ready for Grandma! She's coming to visit yay!  I love my Mom:)

It's An Emotion That Has No Name

   Prayer, seeking, reading (scripture), listening, quiet, be still.  All these things are good and necessary for the searching of heart and soul.  When emotions surface from the deep depths of ourselves we have choices. 

1. we can ignore them 
 2. we can take them to the One who created us with a purpose and ask Him about them. 
     I must confess that my go to choice is 1. ignore, deny, shove it down.  I am learning more and more (slowly and like a stubborn child) to choose the second. 
   To come before my Beloved, the One who allowed those things to surface in the first place, because He wants to continue the work He started when I was first born into His Spirit.  Alive in Him, no longer dead in sin.  Because He loves me and wants to make me whole.
   To some the answers come easy, asking the Lord to reveal to them the cause, or getting right to the root.  For me it hasn't always been that way.  I can feel like I'm groping around in the darkness, waiting for my finger tips to grab hold of some truth or some reason.  If I don't make myself fold my hands and just pray, stop grabbing little things turning them over and over in the dark trying to make sense of what they are, I could easily give up, despair.  It's much better for me to sit quietly in the dark and wait for Him to turn the light on. 
    Sometimes He has already, and for some reason I still sit with my eyes closed.  What am I afraid to see?  Am I afraid?  Am I sad?  It's an emotion that has no name, it feels like grief, like the death of something.  Is the death of something in me?  Or the realization that something has died either long ago or more recent? 
    While praying and reading I've been focusing on Life.  Simply because the feeling that came to me was about death.  When I think of things dying I am instantly transported to my Dad's death.  His dying was the deepest hurt I ever felt in my life.  It was a brokenness I can't describe, a shattering of my heart.
At the same time I also experienced God in away I never had before and I know Him better because of it.  He carried me through that time,  whispering His love in my heart, giving me strength when I had none.
     In years later I learned that it was a multi-faceted hurt that stretched it's sticky fingers into many areas of my life.  I make decision and sometimes beliefs (some lies, some not) based on that hurt. 
   It makes sense to me that what I experienced a few days ago is some part of that multi-faceted pain. 
       I am reluctant to claim that my Dad's death must be the reason for this just in case I am wrong, I don't want to miss the truth.  
   So I wait sometimes in the dark, sometimes with the Light on and my eyes closed, waiting for the Revealer, Healer, Comforter, Master, Teacher, to do His work.
  When I hear Him say "Open your eyes." I will. 
The verses that stuck out to me that night and today,

"Nevertheless I am continually with You; You do hold my right hand.  You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to honor and glory.  Whom have I in heaven but You? And I have no delight or desire on earth besides You.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the Rock and firm Strength of my heart and my Portion forever."
Psalm 74:23-26

Day 7: My most treasured item

As far as items go this by far is the one I treasure the most.  Whenever I feel confused, frustrated or I just don't know what's up with me, all I have to do is read in God's word.  His Word is alive, a two-edged sword.  It always feeds my spirit, and brings heart peace to my soul. This Book contains the Words of Life that Sustain you, lift you, teach you and tell you how much you are loved by a Great and Wonderful God.

Born Free

   "But whereas the child of the slave woman was born according to the flesh and had an ordinary birth, the son of the free woman was born in fulfillment of the promise." Galatians 4:23
    "So brethren, we [who are born again] are not children of a slave woman [the natural], but of the free [the supernatural]." Galatians 4:31
   "In [this] freedom Christ has made us free [and completely liberated us]; stand fast then, and do not be hampered and held ensnared and submit again to a yoke of slavery [which you have once put off]."  Galatians 5:1

    I love all of Galatians 4.  Paul is telling the Galatians not return to the yoke of slavery.  I use to think he was just talking about sin.  I love how scripture is alive and as we grow in our relationship with Jesus, we can reread scriptures and find a deeper meaning.  
   I now believe that Paul was teaching the Galatians something more than just not returning to sin. 
   Looking back in the middle of Galatians 4 we see in verse 17 Paul refers to Judaizing teachers, "these men".   In verse 10 we see that the Galatians have begun to "observe days and months and seasons and years".  Which is common practices in Jewish beliefs.   I believe the yoke of slavery here has more to do with taking on another's ideas or convictions or religious practices.  
     I have encountered wonderful Christians who have strong ideas and convictions about certain ways of life; homeschooling, vaccinations, birth control and more.  These things are not bad or sinful either way and yet we can place our ideas and convictions on one another as if they were. 
   What Paul is saying is that to take on another's ideas/convictions and follow them is putting on a yoke of slavery.  We are born of the free woman and we are free to follow the convictions that God gives us.   If it is not your conviction, if Christ has not placed it as a desire in your heart then why are you doing it?  My convictions are just that, mine and my husbands,( because I am married it's not just me anymore it's something "we" must agree on.  But that's another bible study:)  
     We who are born again are children of the free woman.  There is no reason for us to "put on" any yoke of slavery. 
    
   SO, my brethren, we who are born again are not children of the slave woman the natural, but of the free, the supernatural. Gal. 4:31

And whatever you do, do it readily, as to the Lord and not to men.  Colossians 3:23

The Anxiety Beast

  I never really considered myself an anxious person.  I'm pretty easy going.  I don't get my feathers ruffled to often. 
  The Lord has been showing me some things lately, about myself and how I am.  
    I have come to the realization that anxiety is a sneaky thing.  Sneaky because it starts off small and unnoticed, and if it is allowed to grow unchecked quickly becomes a beast.  I am also noticing the large amount of sickness that are related to this thing called anxiety or stress.  The physical effect it has on our bodies.   
  Anxiety is rooted in fear.  Fear of....whatever it might be causes us to worry about whats going to happen.  I believe and this is just my "Lolly Theology that first of all obvious fear causes worry, but secondly that fear is rooted in believing a lie.  A lie about God, your self or others or a situation."  If you are not sure where a fear comes from ask God to show you where it starts, it starts in our mind related to some thought or experience. 
  The Bible talks about being anxious, mostly about not being anxious.   Matt. 6: 34 "So do not...be anxious about tomorrow"   Mark 13:11 "do not be anxious beforehand about what you will say"  Luke 12:22 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious" 
   It's really easy to say, "Don't be anxious" or even "Being anxious is a sin."  There can be a spirit of fear or anxiety that needs to be removed first.  Even then you will still need to retrain your brain.
  These thought patterns are so ingrained in us that we miss them.  Well I do!  I have to really be paying attention to what I'm thinking about.  Then I realize, "Hey that's worrying! What am I doing that for!" 
  I don't have victory every day.  Some days I miss the mark, sometimes I'm not even aiming!  I'm just trying to get through a day full of kids and a toddler!  God knows all this, and He is there in every moment.  He is not condemning me when I forget, or mess up.   He's encouraging me to try again.  To realize that I can't depend upon myself I must depend on Him.
  When I recognize a thought or feeling(that is related to what I'm thinking;) If I can break it down like...ok this is worrying.  I'm worried about what some else is thinking or worrying about what I'm going to say or whatever.  I rebuke those thoughts in Jesus Name.  Take them captive to the obedience of Christ(2 Cor. 10:5)  Actually 10:3-5 read that:)
  Now that we've done all that, now what?  Do you think that we are done?  Well I can tell you that even after I have done all this, and prayed all that I know to pray eventually the enemy of my soul will try to regain the ground.  And by eventually I don't mean tomorrow, sometimes it's right now.
  My Father in law told me something wonderful.  He first told me 10yrs ago and I've never forgotten.  But he reminded me last week.  Once we are finished our battle it's important to lay down our weapons and praise our King.  God is always watching your back you need not worry:)  Plus as soon as you open your mouth and sing the praises to our God the enemy will flee.
   So my fellow warriors, once you have slain the beast, sing praise to your King.  Put on praise music in the house, sing, shout! Make a joyful noise to the Lord.  And when those thoughts try to creep back in send them back to the pit where they came from!  And sing again!!
Love in Christ your sister
My goal is not to be perfect and just so you know I won't be, so don't expect it:)   My goal is to continue on in the race that is set before me. (Hebrews 12:1)

PS
This is not meant to belittle or simplify serious Anxiety disorders.  Sometimes we need extra help, don't be afraid to get help, being afraid is part of the trap that keeps you locked up.  There is freedom in Christ, but we may need someone to help walk us through:)

Change Me

I'm kinda bummed.  We didn't go to church today because some of us have been sick.  I was afraid to infect everyone else so we stayed home.  I really needed the social interaction today though, and the kick in the pants my Pastor's sermons always give me, well either that our an "ah-ha" moment, love those.  And even though it sounds kinda painful I really do love a good kick in the pants too, cause I already know you're right, I just have to get up and do it.
So today I'm asking You Lord to Change me, again.  Change me from who I've been lately, like the song from Sanctus Real.  So in the words of Sanctus Real
"Would You speak to me? Show me what I need. Is it patience, kindness, all that's in between, loving others the way You love me"
"Won't You change me from the way I've been lately, cause I can't see living without You."
Amen~