I will never forget July 20th 2008. That was just the beginning it was the next day that was the hardest. We flew quickly to Vancouver's Women's Hospital. We sat under an ultra-sound for 3 hours. We watched helpless as our little baby's heart skipped beats and jumped every few minutes into what the doctors call SVT (supraventricular tachycardia). Her heart rate sometimes over 300 bpm.
There is lots that I remember feeling in those moments and the days that followed. But what I remember most is how God met us at every turn. He had gone there before us and was showing us how.
I was not scared, I don't think I would call it anxious, maybe a form of anxiety I've never experienced before. The only way I can explain it is that I had no peace. I felt like the ground was gone, like I was loosing my grip. Grip on what I hadn't decided.
I KNEW that God was there. I didn't KNOW what He wanted us to do. I was glad the Doctors decided not to take Madalyn. By that I mean force her to be born at 29 weeks.
I worried about the toxic drugs they were going to give to me and my sweet growing baby.
We could refuse and go home and pretend everything was fine. It would all be ok if I didn't take them...right? That was a question I couldn't answer, and I felt God was silent on the subject. He wasn't silent of course. Josh was completely at peace, he KNEW that we would be ok. He also KNEW I should take the medication.
Of course I did take the medicine with strict instructions about each dose. Sotalol is a beta-blocker. It also has serious possible side-effects.
"What kind of side-effects?" I ask.
"Oh it could knock your heart out of rhythm" says Dr. #1.
"But don't worry about that we'll just knock it back in" Dr. #2
Great how comforting! I think to myself.
"What are we risking if we don't take the drugs, what can happen?" me.
"Baby could suffer heart failure and go into cardiac arrest." Dr. #1
"Your body could mirror her body and you could also suffer cardiac arrest." Dr.#2
The possible side effects of not taking toxic drugs, not acceptable. So we take the drugs!! And pray my heart stays in rhythm.
It took me a few days to find peace. The Lord's peace. Heart peace. It was the song by Casting Crowns, Praise You In the Storm that made me cry. (A different cry then I'd already been doing those few days). Then I KNEW what I should have all along. I will Praise Him in this Storm.
It was a storm to me. Things, and words were whirling all around me. I couldn't tell if I was up or down. Josh didn't understand me. His words where,
"Do you think that God has abandon us? Cause He hasn't you know."
"I know He hasn't."
"I'm worried about you, I watched you go through your Dad's death and other babies, and you didn't react like this at all, this isn't like you?" My poor husband.
I didn't have an answer for him either. I didn't feel like I was without God, I knew He was there. He showed me in so many little ways. Like my favorite coffee in decaf at the hospital cafeteria. My parents were able to come see me. The ultra sound tech was a Christian and she prayed with us. The first medicine they tried worked and I only got the mildest of reactions to it. This was an answer to pray because if this med didn't work it would be more toxic ones to try!
It was my peace I could not find, not in the word, not in prayer. But I did find it, in a song. And the lights went on. I can pray and pray and read and read. These are all good and will not come up void, but if I do not praise Thee, I am missing an important piece. The peace I had been longing for came raging like a flood, when I lifted up my heart and sang my Praises to the Lord.
And today I am so thankful for my baby's 2nd Birthday. She lives without SVT and is no longer at risk for SVT for over a year now!
I am thankful for God's grace that is always there. It is after all not about me, it's about Him.
Josh and I during our Hospital stay in July.
Sept. 21. 2008 Madi is born! Here she's almost a week.
One Year and No longer at risk for SVT!
Turned 2 today and was hiding around my legs, she wouldn't let me take her picture! Funny kid!
And still SVT free!