Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Hey Dad!

  Posting a picture from the 80's on facebook yesterday has got me thinking about my Pa.
  I remember the day, it's forever etched in my mind.
  I had waved goodbye to Dad from the kitchen window about 5am Sunday morning.  I waved until I couldn't see his truck anymore, like I always did.  I went back to bed, later went to church.  
  Saturday night had been my first officially date with Josh.  He had taken me out to dinner at the Grand Trunk Restaurant. 
  Back to Sunday.  I think we went sledding that day.  I was up late hanging out with friends. 
  I slept in Monday morning and was awakened by a knocking on the door at 8am.  I was shocked to see a man in a suit and a police officier. 
  The coroner proceed to find out who I was and if my Dad was Charles Jeans.  He then told me there had been an accident and that my Dad had passed away. 
  You never really know how you will react in these situations, well I don't anyway.  I felt my knees giving way underneath me so I sat down on the step.  It wasn't really sinking in.  They wanted to send one of their counsellors over, which I didn't want.  They wouldn't leave until I called someone to come and be with me.  You see my Mom and sister were 3hrs away.  I had moved in with Dad, it was just me and him.
   I did meet some wonderful people the couple of months before Dad's death.  Josh and his family being some of them.  You might be wondering why I didn't think of calling Josh, I knew he had worked a night shift and would be sleeping.
  I called a girl friend and she came with her Mom and Dad.  Before they arrived the officer and coroner left.  I was alone for a little bit.
  I calapsed on my bed and I felt the world crashing in on me.  I felt the Lord grip me by the shoulders and He whispered "Pray" in my ear.   The only words that I could get out were "Jesus help me".  That was more than enough.  I felt His love rushing in and I cried.  But it wasn't the despairing cry that had threatened to swallow me moments before.  I could cry for my loss and then I was able to get up and do what needed to be done. 
  I called another friend who was able to convince me that I needed to call my Mom.  I was afraid to call her at work.  That was really hard to do.  But thinking back it was probably harder for her knowing I was alone.  But I wasn't really alone Christ was carrying me. 
  My friend and her parents arrived, they prayed with me and for me. They kept me company.  My friend called Josh knowing that it was ok to wake him up. 
  Josh and Sheldon both came and stayed with me until my Mom and sister arrived. 
  The next week is kind of a blur.  I remember moments of it. 

Yesterday looking at Dad's picture I realize how much I still miss him.  I wish I had more pictures of him.  Some with close ups of his hands.  Close ups of his face.  There are details I feel I've forgotten.  He didn't have any tatoos, but he did have scars.  I've forgotten about the scars. 
  His left or right knee clicked everytime he took a step.  There was no way he could sneak up on us we could always hear his knee!  He always had great advice. 
   I miss our long converstations about life, God, people.  I miss his laugh.  
  If you've lost someone you'll know that there are people who tell you that they look down on you from Heaven.  I don't believe that, for my Dad that would be Hell.  To have watched us go through the pain of lossing him would have been hell to him.  To not be there for us in our tough times, yep that too.  So I am not comforted by hearing that.  I am more comforted by thinking that I may see him again one day in Heaven.   If you are comforted by thinking your loved ones are looking over you, please disregard my words.  They are for me.  What I have learned is that we all grieve in our own way.  That grief is multi-facited, there are many parts to the process, some of which surface years down the road.
   God has repaired and healed my broken heart.  My heart is full of the beautiful children and wonderful husband that God has given me.   
   I still will think of him, I still will miss him.  I've learned a lot about God through the pain.  I am thankful for that.  I wouldn't be who I am today without it.  I still wish he could have been here.  But I am now content and look forward to a reunion of epic prepotions in Heaven!  With not just my Dad but all my family who's gone on before me. 
  For more about my Dad go here.
I made this one large so you can see it.  My Dad in 1978.  I'm the 2yr old.

My Dad age 2 or 3.

Left my Dad is in the green shirt about age 19. Right my Dad About age 28-30

My Dad and Me 1976

My sister, Dad and Me. '88 or '89

Me and Dad my Grad '94

My Dad age 12.  And His Mom I think in '92?

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